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10. Flowers from your wife along with a card that starts, “Remember how we were going to stop after the first 9 kids . . . . ?”
9. Your son writes his very first poem after graduating high school and dedicates it to you:
“This world is sweet.
Life seems complete.
My dreams, they near fruition.
So what the heck
Please write the check
To cover Fall tuition.
8. A personalized pictorial tie embedded with photos of moments from all the failures in your life according to your son or daughter.
7. A personalized pictorial tie from your son or daughter embedded with photos of moments from all the successes in your life. And it’s solid white.
6. A tie. Any tie.
5. A gift card for The Paintball Palace when you suffer from acute PTSD.
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4. Anything with the HELLO KITTY logo.
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3. You open the sports page to read this exciting dispatch:
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________ (insert favorite sports league) sources report the ________ __________ (insert favorite city and team) traded superstars _____________ and ______________ to the _____________ (insert least favorite sports team) for an old bag of _______ (insert literally ANYTHING) and a Round ________ (insert any number higher than 9) Draft Pick in ___________ (insert any year after 2018 that is a prime number) and cash considerations.
2. A card in the mail that starts:
Dear Dad, Although we’ve never met . . .
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1. A check from your child for $357,412.79 with a note that reads:
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Dear Dad, I did some heavy lifting on the calculator. I ran the numbers on 12 years of private school (to keep me from the gangs), 4 years at state college, food, clothing, shelter—a brand new used car for graduation—and that time you had to bail me out of that credit card mess. Who knew they were serious about monthly payments? All things considered—along with compounded interest—this is the amount I figure you fronted to help make me the success I am today. I write this check with a full heart and fuller bank account. I’m eternally grateful for your faith in me. Enjoy your retirement and there’s more where this came from if YOU ever get in a bind. You’re the BEST!!!!
OK, I lied. This is ex-ACTLY what your dad wants for Father’s Day.
Dusty O'Connor says
Anybody ever tell you that you’re a funny guy?
Michael O'Connor says
No. The conspiracy of silence against me has been appalling!
Lis Trouten says
Well, Michael, when Doug was waxing witty in college, a good friend (and she is still a good friend) said, “Don’t laugh. It only encourages him.”
For what it’s worth…
Michael O'Connor says
While Doug was waxing in college all that time I was waning. Man, we coulda been a great comedy team . . . *sigh*
Paul Harris says
I’m still waiting for the check!